Six feet under

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Tomorrow, September 10th, marks my brother’s anniversary – 9 years, how did that happen? I never really thought about the fact that he is really IN this grave. I mean, I know he is, but I never found it spooky or anything. Until I started digging….I went to the cemetery for Erik’s birthday three weeks ago, and I brought a sunflower with me that I wanted to plant on the grave. I have never planted anything there before, so I brought a little shovel. I made room around “my “spot (where the whiskey bottle is and some other stuff that I put there) and started digging. And all of a sudden, I was super freaked out! I mean, I know that his remains are WAY underneath the surface (six feet equal 1,80 metres, so that’s more than I am tall), but still. It felt so weird to be digging towards him. I was glad that my sunflower didn’t need that much space, really.

So why did this freak me out so much? I guess in our society, death is such a clean thing. You die, the undertaker picks up your body wherever you passed away, stores it in a cool place, cleans it, prepares it and takes care of the whole funeral. And we, the ones who are left behind, muse and wreck our heads about what comes after death – the light? Another form of life? Rebirth? Nothing? But we do not deal with death as such, in a biological way. We do not want to think about the rotting part, we might even prevent said rotting by cremating our deceased.

For me, now (and it’s an eternally changing process), there won’t be anything. No heaven, no virgins, no paradise, no afterlife. All that remains is energy. I didn’t do well at physics in school, but THAT I remember: energy does not go away. And to me, it is a soothing thought that our bodies will decompose and return to the soil and be part of it. We could be trees or flowers or anything that nature brings up.

As for the soul… it will live on, as long as there are people who remember you. Quite often, people told me “Your brother is not dead, he is just in a different place”. Believe me, he is as dead as dead can be. But he is a part of me, by birth and by soul. So he will live on, as long as I and everybody that holds him dear lives. He is in my nights and in my days, sometimes more, and sometimes less. I have forgotten so many things that happened in my life, but my memory of Erik is never blurred. It never will be. I am alive, and as long as I am, so will he.

I expected this to be a sad post. I have been sad for a few days. But right now, I find death the easiest thing! Your body transforms and does its natural thing, but your energy stays. So make an impression. Be kind to people, spend time with them! Create memories, call a friend out of the blue! Show that you care! Become immortal!

Kerstin

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