The handyman curse


“Handyman, handyman, handyman, handyman….. HANDYMAN!!!!” You see, I tried, I really did. You know the legend of the candyman curse? Say it five times, and he will appear. I figured that for rhyme scheme reasons, it should work with handymen, too. It doesn’t. But let me take you back to the start of the story…We finally moved to our new, gorgeous apartment. Everything went really well, the four drunk Polish guys, that the movers had sent, really knew their shit. The whole taking my old place apart and moving everything into the new place only took four hours. It was perfect! We were able to unpack a good bunch, and at the end of this long day, we looked forward to having a good night sleep in our lovely new bedroom. Except we didn’t. The radiator started “Knock…. knock-knock. Knock. Knoooooooooooock!”… every two hours for 45 minutes! We informed the landlord immediately the next day and were assured it would be taken care of. But handyman did not show for another week. Then came the day when our new kitchen was built in. Except they forgot a few parts and delivered the wrong cupboard. In the middle of the mayhem, the radiator candy handyman showed up, looked at the radiator and said, he knew the solution. Except he didn’t. Knock…. knock-knock. Knock. Knooooooooooooock. We tried to sent an email to the landlord using the tablet PC that came with the kitchen (yes, that’s right. You purchase a kitchen, you get a tablet PC. Makes total sense to me), except we didn’t have internet.

We spent a few hours on the phone to the internet company’s hotline. Reset the router. Get a PIN. Nada. They said it was a technical problem. Handyman, handyman… He came and found that the phone line was in no way connected to the socket. Why would you? A socket on the wall is enough, right? He connected it, and told us it would work, except it didn’t. We called the hotline. Reset the router. Got a pin. Nada. They said it was a technical problem. Handyman, handyman… No, I am not confused, I typed the whole thing a second time on purpose. The handyman came. He found the problem, but still, 5 GB seem to be disappearing on the way from the box in the basement to our apartment, five metres above. But finally, 1,5 weeks later, internet and telephone! I didn’t know where to start making contact with the outer world! I had been disconnected for so long, I almost forgot the social habits our society requires!

Within the 1,5 weeks, we connected our TV to the cable socket on the wall. Nothing, nada. Spent time on the hotline. They said it was a technical problem. Handyman, handyman… he showed, yesterday. He said the cable was not connected to the main box. It is surely connected to SOME box, but this one is yet to be found. My suggestion to just pull out the cable was fruitless… some HANDYMAN had set the cable in concrete. They need to build a new cable canal. I have this week off, and I spent it waiting for handymen. And it shall continue tomorrow.

In the meantime… Knock…. knock-knock. Knock. Knooooooooooooock. Every. Single. Night. Mr. Betterhalf and I are in zombie mode by now. I called the handyman, and he showed up randomly at 2pm, complaining that the other neighbours, whose apartments he needs to access in order to find the problem, were not there. Really? How dare of working people to not be at home at 2pm! So tomorrow, I will spent most of my day trying to reach someone who can do something. By now I am sick by the way. Sleep deprivation will do that to you.

The handyman story is not a legend. It is a frigging curse though. Except he doesn’t show when you say it five times….

Yours truly, madly, zombiely!



2 thoughts on “The handyman curse

  1. Pingback: The beauty of decay | The German Perspective

  2. Pingback: 2015: Gracias a la vida! | The German Perspective

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