Cliché magic

I quit my job today. I fucking quit my job today! This is definitely a first! For the most part of my life, I tried to be Miss Security. I used to struggle so bad in the past and always felt that certain structures and security would prevent me from harm. Alas! It did not. No security blanket was able to prevent me from experiencing fear of the very insecurity, loss or grief!

I only started my current job last November. It took me 2 weeks to admit to myself that it was a total desaster. I was bored 35 out of 40 hours a week! And let me tell you, boredom is as exhausting as stress due to to much work! You’re bored out of your rack, but you still have to be there full-time. So I sent out my first application after less than a month! I also found that your usual 9-to-5 job is not for me. The structures that I used to seek so desperately were driving me mad. I need freedom, I need to be able to be somewhat independent and flexible. And as fate goes, I stumbled over “my” job in February! I applied on Friday, and on Monday I got the invititation for an interview. A week later they called and said they would love to work with me. They just had to wait for approval from the executive committee, and they would not meet before March 19th. Still being Miss Security, I said I would not quit my current job before that approval, so I found myself in limbo for the next four weeks. While my boss and my colleague were making plans for us until the end of the year, I knew I was going to quit.

I felt so bad. I felt like a liar! I was nervous, I was tensed. I had dreams that were textbook examles for dream interpretation. Driving in the dark and not being able to find the light switch! Seeking help from doctors and being ignored? Meeting up with people and noticing I forgot to put on clothes? You name it, I dreamed them all!

And then, I experienced cliché magic. I woke up yesterday and it was grey and misty outside. The whole day was covered in thick fog. Nothing happened. No email, no call. Today started off the same. We were to experience a beautiful solar eclipse, but it just continued to be cloudy and misty. I joined a rather unpleasant team meeting at noon. When I came back to my office, there was my email: we got approval, you will start working on May 1st! I had expected to be relieved and happy, instead I started shaking. I have never quit a job in my life after all! So I went to my boss and handed in my notice. And he was really nice! He said he understands that I am on a one-year contract and he is happy I found an opportunity for me.

You see, the job I am going to take is a part-time job. I will have to make additional money. This is a risk I would never have taken on a few years ago. But now, I am so happy. The job is exactly what I have been looking for for the past few years. It will leave me with less money but with more freedom!

I drove home and still did not feel happy. I picked up Mr. Betterhalf and we went food-shopping. I had been so tensed that I started crying in the middle of the supermarket. When we got home, I decided to go for a run. After 30 minutes it finally dawned on me: I did it! I quit my job for something I really want to do! I kicked security’s ass and will do something that I like. And while I was still caught in my very own dawn, the sun came out for the first time today. Cliché magic! The mist cleared and I was able to think straight!

Sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone to be happy. I did that on quite a few occasions in the past, but never on a “vital” one. I am so happy now! Today is the beginning of spring, and it was a magic day. I am not scared anymore. I made a decision and am convinced it was the right one! Yay for me! Wish me luck!

Yours truly, madly, deeply!



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